To Push or Not To Push? Motivation, Part 2
In our last article, we discussed how we can motivate our students for this tough winter/spring season of remote learning.
In her article, “How to remotivate kids for more distance learning,” CNN Health contributor Elissa Strauss offers advice for how to get our kids going after winter break. Her fourth tip, “Reward the process, not the action,” suggests reinforcing smaller behaviors like showing up to online class on time rather than big picture goals.
This tip alludes to a bigger question: How much should parents push their kids, in terms of academic achievement?
Okay, a lot to unpack here. In their article on psychologytoday.com, “The Time to Aim Low,” Benjamin Cheyette, M.D. and Sarah Cheyette M.D. say, “There’s a line between goals that help you achieve, and goals that are unattainable (at least temporarily if not permanently), and that therefore lead to unwarranted stress, repeated failure, and frustration.” Their ultimate point is not that standards should always be lowered––sometimes pushing our kids has positive results. Their main idea is that emotional considerations should factor heavily: A child’s self-esteem and stress/anxiety levels, of course. Parents’ relationships with their kids, absolutely.
Academic Grading is a sensitive subject, especially as students get into high school. Of course, we want our kids to receive high grades, for so many reasons. And we do all that we can to put our kids into position for them to do so. But sometimes our concern about their grades results in tension and arguments. It’s fun for no one.
Before we get to some possible solutions, let’s ask a few questions here:
- Have we had conversations with our kids about why grades are important?
- In the past, has asking them about their grades seemed to help motivate them? Or did it just add stress and, ultimately, not result in higher grades?
- If they are getting low grades in a particular class, is it because of their effort or is it because the classwork and material is just flat-out challenging?
Now, some tips. Let’s return to tip #4 from the original article.
We might try reinforcing processes, rather than results. Processes, such as being organized, setting schedules, being on time for online classes, not leaving things ‘til the last minute, and putting forth effort. If we focus only on their grades, and only express positivity when their grades are high, our kids might not take away the right lessons that will help them in the future. For example, it’s great if they get an A in math, but maybe that subject comes easy to them with little effort. They might get a C in World History where they’ve put in a ton of work and effort, and the tests have been incredibly difficult. Shouldn’t they get more praise and reinforcement for their effort and work in History, despite the lower grade?
Might college standards for acceptance be an effective motivator? For example, is there a specific college your kids have their sights on that may expect a certain GPA or grade standard? Or, perhaps their SAT/ACT skills are below what this college might expect, so they need to put more effort into their grades to balance out their academic transcript. This is a very tangible motivator, one that will have a direct impact on them in the near future.
It’s not easy to find that balance between being supportive and encouraging them to strive for higher goals, without adding stress. Every parent has to figure it out with their kids: when to push and when to hang back.
Benjamin and Sarah Cheyette end their article with this advice: “When in doubt about what you should do as a parent, it is never a mistake to ask yourself: What is really important?”